Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
