go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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