i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Randomize
