I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
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