Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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