When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
