well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
