Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
