ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
