The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize