apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
