It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
