pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
