Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
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