Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
