I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
