took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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