The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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