I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I wish my penis had an off switch
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
