I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
