got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
