Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
