i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
