I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
