On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
