Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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