i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
