My liver just broke up with me...
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
