Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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