No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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