well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
