Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Randomize
