For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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