Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
