This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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