Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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