What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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