Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
