Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Randomize
