forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
They are going to name an STD after you.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
