Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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