sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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