The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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