I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
