Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize