our cab driver is having phone sex.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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