Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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