You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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