Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
