I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
