Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
