Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Randomize
