Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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