i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
