To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
