so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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