You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
