My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
