WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
